DATE EIGHT
THE CREEPY DOCTOR
My first date from POF and frankly, it’s not any better than any of the previous Match dates. Instead of pulling down his pants, this one pulled a knife out of his pants. In this scenario, “knife” is not innuendo for “penis.” (Don’t worry, nobody was harmed in the making of this shitty date.)
PRE DATE
The messages started off pretty entertaining actually. There were signs that this was probably not the best candidate to actually meet, such as the fact this dude had ONE picture on his profile. He kind of looked like the 11th Doctor from Doctor Who. If you don’t know what that is, then shame on you. It’s a delightful sci-fi show on BBC. Anyway, I'm gonna call him the Doctor but just to be clear, he’s not an actual doctor.
The messages we exchanged didn’t contain any phrases like “You’re so hot” or “I could be your Batman” or anything of the like. We just talked about TV shows, conventions, gaming, and other casual shit. Then came the point of “Hey we should meet up sometime” and once I agreed to it…then suddenly the Doctor became creepy, needy and unappealing. Messages started to say things like, “I just want hugs”…and "I just want to love you"
THE “DATE”…LET’S CALL IT “INTERVIEW”
This really didn’t feel anything like a date so much as a “let’s meet in person and ask questions and evaluate the physical appearance of one another”….oh shit, wait, I guess that technically is a date…minus food…or…drinks…or any activity. Alright, whatever, call it what you want.
UNEMPLOYED WITH THE GOAL TO BECOME A HOUSE HUSBAND
Ok, what the shit. Seriously? Well, now it all makes sense then…pale skin from being indoors playing video games all day, gut from sitting on your ass all day, and the non-white teeth from…wait, Jesus, if you’ve got all that time to kill, I would think you could brush your teeth 3, 4 even 5 times a day!
When he told me (out loud, with words coming out of his mouth) that he wants to be a house husband, laughed. I laughed hard people. He did not. But seriously, that’s your goal in life?!
I believe I end this part of the conversation with “well good luck with that” and then move on to the next topic. And somehow that transitions into stories about being bullied in high school and how he didn’t have any friends (aw man, now I’m starting to feel sorry for the guy).
THEN HE PULLS OUT A KNIFE
PRE DATE
The messages started off pretty entertaining actually. There were signs that this was probably not the best candidate to actually meet, such as the fact this dude had ONE picture on his profile. He kind of looked like the 11th Doctor from Doctor Who. If you don’t know what that is, then shame on you. It’s a delightful sci-fi show on BBC. Anyway, I'm gonna call him the Doctor but just to be clear, he’s not an actual doctor.
The messages we exchanged didn’t contain any phrases like “You’re so hot” or “I could be your Batman” or anything of the like. We just talked about TV shows, conventions, gaming, and other casual shit. Then came the point of “Hey we should meet up sometime” and once I agreed to it…then suddenly the Doctor became creepy, needy and unappealing. Messages started to say things like, “I just want hugs”…and "I just want to love you"
 |
| Cringe...Also I don't know how to respond to that shit... |
This really didn’t feel anything like a date so much as a “let’s meet in person and ask questions and evaluate the physical appearance of one another”….oh shit, wait, I guess that technically is a date…minus food…or…drinks…or any activity. Alright, whatever, call it what you want.
I show up at the public location (safety first, after those messages about hugs and shit, I can’t risk being anywhere alone with this guy) and I see something tall, something very tall, in the distance. With white pants. Shit. I really hope that’s not……*text message alert goes off* I look down at my phone, still walking forward, to read a message from him that says he thinks he sees me. I look up and…..
 |
| My Christ, it's the jolly white giant! |
There he is. All 6’4” of him…white pants and all. Then the sun glasses come off and…oh god dammit. Yeah this isn’t going to work…but shit I’m here, so let’s do this, quickly please…and then I plan to get the hell out of here. But since we are on the topic of appearance anyway, let me finish; skin is very pale, teeth are very not white, and gut is very..prominent.
UNEMPLOYED WITH THE GOAL TO BECOME A HOUSE HUSBAND
Ok, what the shit. Seriously? Well, now it all makes sense then…pale skin from being indoors playing video games all day, gut from sitting on your ass all day, and the non-white teeth from…wait, Jesus, if you’ve got all that time to kill, I would think you could brush your teeth 3, 4 even 5 times a day!
When he told me (out loud, with words coming out of his mouth) that he wants to be a house husband, laughed. I laughed hard people. He did not. But seriously, that’s your goal in life?!
I believe I end this part of the conversation with “well good luck with that” and then move on to the next topic. And somehow that transitions into stories about being bullied in high school and how he didn’t have any friends (aw man, now I’m starting to feel sorry for the guy).
THEN HE PULLS OUT A KNIFE
 |
| What the fuck is this shit, you can't just say creepy shit and pull out a knife on a first date!! You save that kinky shit for at least the third date. |
To clarify, this is not a reference to his junk. He legit pulls out a Swiss Army knife from the front pocket of his white pants and then opens it to reveal the blade while saying, “I hope this doesn’t scare you.” He proceeds to tell me that he carries it around just incase anybody tries to start shit with him.
This guy def gives off creepy vibes but I really didn’t feel fear when he pulled out the knife. Surprised is the better word to use here. Mostly because we were sitting on a bench in a public place with a lot of people around and children playing in the nearby fountain a few feet from us. Who the hell pulls out a blade in said environment!? This guy apparently.
He puts away the knife and says that he knows I’m busy but if I ever have any free time that he would love to meet me again. Being the asshole that I am, I tell him that he can’t meet me a second time because you can only meet a person once, and then you’ve already met. Dumbass.
THE END
We walk to the parking lot and pass his vehicle, which is so dirty the blue paint looks brown until you get up close (again, with all that free time why don't you wash your nasty ass car?!) and finally to my ride.
This guy def gives off creepy vibes but I really didn’t feel fear when he pulled out the knife. Surprised is the better word to use here. Mostly because we were sitting on a bench in a public place with a lot of people around and children playing in the nearby fountain a few feet from us. Who the hell pulls out a blade in said environment!? This guy apparently.
He puts away the knife and says that he knows I’m busy but if I ever have any free time that he would love to meet me again. Being the asshole that I am, I tell him that he can’t meet me a second time because you can only meet a person once, and then you’ve already met. Dumbass.
THE END
We walk to the parking lot and pass his vehicle, which is so dirty the blue paint looks brown until you get up close (again, with all that free time why don't you wash your nasty ass car?!) and finally to my ride.
I suddenly remembered that he wants hugs and briefly panicked, but then I also remembered that I’ve got a 10 inch flathead screwdriver with me. Don’t mess with me Mr. Creeps!
 |
| Don't even think about it Creeps. |
Before I step into my vehicle, he asks for my hand (oh god, why?) and then he kisses the top of my hand and bids me farewell. I get in the car as quickly as possible, wait for him to walk away, sanitize my hand, and roll the fuck out of there.
Comments
Post a Comment