DATE 13

THAT 70's GUY

Let's talk about Bachelor #13, shall we? Lucky number thirteen. (Is it lucky? Or is one of the bad numbers? Like 4 is a scary number that means death in some cultures, right? Where does 13 stand these days?)

I left a comment for 13 on Hinge but that fool never responded. To be fair, when you do not pay for Hinge, you cannot see all of your "likes" at once. But then he liked me on Bumble, so I accepted his like in order to start up a convo because that's how it works now apparently. For more on that, see my previous post.

We start chatting and as with the previous guys, conversation comes easy and we get each other's jokes and memes. I'm starting to realize that this doesn't mean a damn thing, but at the time it gave me hope. He asks if I want to meet up on Thursday evening of that week and I say sure. Tuesday rolls around and he tells me that his plans for that night fell through, so if I'm available he can totally meet later that day instead. 

Oh, your date for tonight flaked on ya? Too bad, I've already got plans with my PlayStation.

What's the deal with dudes on these apps just expecting you to be free and/or willing to drop whatever you're doin to go hang with them at a moment's notice?! NO.

THE DATE

Thursday comes around and I meet him for drinks. Keeping with my usual style, I get lost in a parking garage once there (or, nearby anyway....I was close) and end up messaging him that I'll be a few minutes late because I ended up in the wrong garage. 

I need an adult.

I eventually do locate the place and make my way to the roof where I find him at a table enjoying a beverage. This guy is tall AF, even while seated you can tell he's a giant. He kind of looks like one of the guys from That 70's Show, down to the haircut. I order myself a drink and just as in our chats, the in person conversation is fun and enjoyable- there are many LOLs to be had.

I probably should've seen a little red flag when he told me this story and instead I just laughed at the ridiculousness of it. So that 70's guy tells me about his most embarrassing first date with a girl from one of these apps and I'm thinkin' this is going to be something along the lines of spilling food on himself or tripping and face planting-- you know, the typical shit that people get embarrassed about. 

Instead, he tells me that he ran into his ex on the date and that he left the table when his ex approached him. He straight up ran away from his ex, leaving her with his very confused date and he DID NOT COME BACK. What the hell kind of bullshit move is that!?! He said he did call his date later and apologize but to nobody's surprise, their relationship did not move forward after that. 

Oooh, he's pretty good lookin IRL.... but he appears to be missing his balls.

Maybe it was the liquor or maybe it was his emerald eyes; whatever it was, I somehow looked past that story and continued with the date. We end up getting some ice cream afterward and we're just sitting at a little table talking about movies and shit when he asks me if I'd like to go to his place to watch one of the movies we were just talking about. It's about 10pm at this point.

OOPS I DID IT AGAIN
Anybody reading this is probably thinking "Ok obviously he has just invited you to come over for sex. Or to murder you. You idiot." and I realize this now. You'd think I would have learned my lesson about  going to strange men's houses on the first date but nope. Clearly, I have learned nothing and so I agree to follow him to his house. (Hey, at least I drove my own car there.)

He seemed so innocent; just a tall super dork of a guy. Think Eric Forman. And he was being nice the whole time and wasn't negging me like the ex-bartender guy. So there we are sitting on his couch talking and he gets himself another drink (he offered me wine in a coffee mug but I requested water instead because hydration is important) and suddenly he's all up in my face trying to make out.

Here's the thing- have you ever made out with somebody who basically does nothing but open their mouth? Just imagine that for a moment. Picture a man with his eyes closed and his mouth just kind of hanging open.

No joke, homeboy sat there with his eyes closed and mouth open.

Now imagine that leaning in towards your face closer and closer. At this point, I really do feel like I've got Eric Forman IRL. I look past it though, figuring maybe the guy is just nervous or something. But then he boldly stands up and leads me to his bedroom and before I know it, he's completely undressed. Ok, this is moving a bit fast, but hey we're both adults and if both of us are into it, then it's fine right? RIGHT??

WELL WHAT DID YA EXPECT?
I probably shouldn't have expected anything great after experiencing that 70's guy's kissing style, but wow this was extremely not very good at all. A minute man who can only perform in one position and is only concerned about his own needs. That and I swear at one point I thought he might be having a seizure on top of me but it turned out he had just climaxed is all. 

What? TMI? Hey, you were warned when you got here that this site contains adult material. It's only gonna get worse from here on out buddy.

He rolls off of me and quickly falls asleep (nice) and I lay there wondering if that sucked because of something I did or if he just sucks or if he was just too tipsy to be any good. No way he's a virgin right? Naw, he seemed to know what to do so he's had to have banged before. Hmm. 

And then I fall asleep. In his bed. The next morning he suddenly seems concerned about how I'm doing and if everything is ok. I tell him I gotta get goin because I've got an appointment with a body shop later that morning, a body shop that just so happens to be a few minutes away from his house. So he asks if I'd like to have lunch with him.

That's a good sign, right? He must be into me if he wants to see me again that soon! Right? Lol I'm dumb.