Date 11

TINY CAR

I would like to begin by saying that this time around I really am trying to take this seriously and find a suitable partner. Technically, I started off with the same intentions on my last go around but then became discouraged and decided to have fun with it.

But I haven't reached that point yet. Let's see how long it takes for me to realize that it may just be better to die alone.

According to the data, this region is filled with a bunch of incompatible, noncommittal assholes.

PRE-DATE
I'm kickin' it off with a bang. Instead of just waiting for the "likes" to roll in, I'm taking the initiative and making the first move! 

I come across a profile of a man who is clearly a bit of a nerd but there are no photos of him with any dead fish or deer, he doesn't mention guns or golf anywhere and he filled out the occupation section with an actual occupation! (There are a LOT of male profiles on here with either no occupation listed or something stupid listed. Think along the lines of Position: Mind Your, Company: Business.)

So l send him some kind of sarcastic and/or witty comment about something that was on his profile. Honestly I can't remember what it was, but I'm sure it was pretty good because it got his attention. We begin chatting and it feels like I've known this guy for years, but in a good way. We don't share all interests but conversation comes easily and we get each other's jokes and meme game. He knows how to spell and use proper grammar and is able to communicate a complete thought via IM.

Admittedly, I've set the bar pretty low based on my prior experiences. Lower than that, by like, a lot.

The only thing I found a bit odd is his lack of foul language, cussing, dirty jokes, etc. I mean hell, I felt like a sailor in comparison, but that didn't stop me from talking how I normally do, fuckwords and all. I wasn't sure if this was an indication of innocence or if I should be worried because frankly, I don't trust people who don't cuss. Generally speaking.

Otherwise, everything else checks out. He's got a real job- a stable job- and a car (a hilarious tiny two seater car that rolls on little bicycle sized tires but still a working vehicle nonetheless), friends, hobbies and he seems intelligent. You know what, I'm actually kind of glad he's got a silly car and isn't a car guy dude bro. It's always tempting to find a man who appreciates a vehicle the way I do, but it inevitably ends terribly because these guys have to compete at every goddamn thing and will feel threatened if your car costs more than theirs.

FAT PANTS
Ok there was one more thing that startled me a bit. He asked if it'd be alright if he wore gym shorts to brunch because his "nice pants" no longer fit right due to gaining weight during Covid lockdown. I know it's not socially acceptable to ask somebody how much weight they've gained but you have to remember that I lack the fucks required to worry about something like that and so I asked him outright.

He said he just gained a few pounds but it's enough that he can no longer button the nice pants. Hopefully his definition of "a few pounds" isn't actually like 30lbs extra. I'm just sayin' please look like the photos you have on your profile. 

C'mon, that's not asking much. Guys expect the same shit.

THE DATE

We decide to meet for brunch on a Saturday because that's what adults do and mimosas are obviously an incentive. He did actually look like his profile photos (whew!). Conversation was casual and easygoing, very much like our chats in the stupid app. We mostly talked about nerd stuff with a splash of topics about life in general; it felt very natural, like I was just chatting with an old buddy. 

After brunch, we hit up IKEA because why not? I didn't have any plans for the rest of the day and this guy said he needed to pick something up from IKEA. Remember, this guy has a tiny car. So I'm of course wondering just what it is he intends to buy at IKEA and how it's going to fit in his little clown car. I guess I really am officially old because running an errand with the guy was alright by me and, dare I say, kind of fun too!

IKEA dates can be fun if you do it right.

Sadly he only purchased small items from IKEA that day so minimal Tetris was required to fit said items in his little clown car. I was really hoping to see him somehow get a table in this little smart car. Oh well.

He drives me back to the parking garage where my car is and we have one hell of an awkward hug in his tiny car. It's awkward enough to hug somebody in a car, but it's awkward to the power of ten when it's a miniature car.

RE-RE-REJECTED
I can't recall if he messaged me later that same day or the next day but it doesn't really matter because the end result is that he told me he didn't feel anything romantically (his word, not mine) but he'd be down to be friends. He might have said that because I mentioned that I moved here from CA and only had my co-workers to hang with. Some of them are friends, sure. But my closest friends are back in CA, so I guess it's kind of nice of the guy to offer his friendship. 

THE BEST DATE I EVER HAD
I gotta give it to the guy, he did continue to message me after the date and we still chatted about nerd shit and tv shows. He wasn't a bad lookin' dude and it was delightful chattin' with him, but this is just date one of this round so my little heart wasn't too torn up about the news. Perhaps a tad disappointed, but not ugly cry sad.

Plus, in retrospect, that is the nicest thing any guy has ever done when it comes to online dating/dating apps. He told me the truth and didn't just fuck off into the abyss never to be heard from again. Sadly, he set an expectation that is not going to be met by any other man on these goddamn apps.