DATE 13 PART 2

 I AM NOT A TAXI

Yeah, I know. Why did I keep seeing this 70's guy? Look, he seemed like a nice guy who is just kinda dumb and oblivious. And maybe that one time in bed wasn't his greatest moment- too drunk or too nervous, who knows?

So I go back to his house after my appointment with the body shop and he suggests a place to get some lunch. I tell him that I'll need to move my car so he can get out of the garage but he just gets in the passenger seat of my car. 

This mofo just invited himself into my car.

Cool, so I guess I'm driving then. Alright.

On the ride to the restaurant, that 70's guy starts giving me financial advice that I did not ask for. I tell him I'm not interested in investments and stocks. I've got a pension, a 401k, two savings accounts and equity in a house so it's not like I'm completely failing at adulting when it comes to finances. But he proceeds to school me on investing and the stock market and I just look forward and nod. 

Read the fucking room.

We have lunch and I drop him off like a goddamn Uber or something. He laid off the finance advice once we got to the restaurant thankfully, so at least we talked about actual fun things instead. 

A week later, we make plans to go to dinner on a Saturday night followed by a movie at his place. But you know, for real this time, we'll actually watch the movie. I get to his house and again he just opens the passenger door and gets in my car and tells me that I'm driving. I give him the "Bitch are you for real?" look and he says "you have a nicer car anyway" like it's my fault that he made a poor choice when it comes to automobile selection. He has a good job and I'd have to assume he does the whole stock market fuckery so he likely has the means to pick a different vehicle.

So I drive to the place, we have dinner (well, mostly he has dinner; see, he took me made me drive him to a place that had zero vegetarian items on the menu aside from a salad even though I told him that I don't eat anything that once had a face) and then we are back at his place. I'm thinking we're gonna watch the movie on the couch in his living room like normal people.

Nope. He says we are watching the movie in his bedroom and in less than 60 seconds his pants are off and he's crawling into his bed, pulling the blankie up to his chin like a goddamn child. We watch the movie and mock it along the way, which I'll admit was kinda fun. And then the sex.

Behold: Bullshit.

YOU THOUGHT IT'D BE BETTER THIS TIME? LOL
Alright, so it seems that alcohol and nerves were not really factors in the less than optimal sexual experience last time. It's the same shit this time around, wham, bam, thank you maam and then sleepy time. 

I tried to get him to do something other than missionary but he said he couldn't. I don't know if that meant he was physically unable to get into any other position or if he just couldn't get off in any other position. Whatever the case, it was pretty clear that he was only lookin' out for himself and gave not a single fuck about what I wanted.

I left the next morning disappointed but apparently not disappointed enough to just stop seeing this guy. That's right, I went on yet another "date" with that 70's guy (though honestly, the term "date" is used very loosely here).

It's another Saturday evening and I'm back at his place. This time we skipped the dinner part since I got screwed last time. We're gonna watch another movie and of course he chooses to watch in his bed. He didn't even get out of his bed to greet me when I arrived. He texted me to come through the garage and just go straight to the bedroom. 

Check out this romantic motherfucker.

SOMEBODY CALL THIS GUY'S MOTHER
I oblige and enter through the garage and make my way to the bedroom where I find him in bed with the blankie pulled up to his chin again. I hop in, we start the movie and about 30 minutes in, that 70's guy is sleeping like a baby. 

So I finish watching the movie alone and then eventually fall asleep myself. The next morning, he decides to sleep in. I'm layin' there wide awake wondering what time it is. The sun is out and I feel like I've been in this bed for a really long time, and not in the fun way. We aren't banging like rabbits all day in here. He finally wakes up around 1pm and turns the TV on. We watch an episode or two of It's Always Sunny (hilarious thankfully because I could really use some entertainment and LOLs at this point) and then he decides to take a nap. 

Am I dating a toddler over here?! Should I go get him a snack bag of goldfish and a juice box for when he wakes up from his nappy nap?

So I sit there watching TV on my own while sleeping beauty over here is knocked the fuck out. He wakes up and says he's hungry and asks if I'd like to go get some food. I'm hoping for a Sunday brunch situation but then I realize it's too goddamn late in the day even for brunch. 

FOR THE LAST TIME, I AM NOT UBER/LYFT

I should mention that this dude's house is at the cleanliness level of a frat boy house-- there are clothes on the floor, dishes in places that are not the kitchen (such as his nightstand) and grossest of all is the backyard. 

That 70's guy has a dog and this doggo does his business in the backyard. Most adult dog owners I assume pick up after their dogs, but not this guy. He tells me not to step into the backyard because it's full of dog poop. I ask him when is the last time he picked up after his dog and he shrugs and says maybe a few months. 

At this point, I have an exceptionally low opinion of this guy's bullshit.

We head outside and sure enough he goes right to the passenger side of my car. He tells me to go to the drive through of Panera and when I get to the window to pay, the cashier greets him and says his name so he's clearly a regular here. I wonder if he has an actual Uber take him through the drive through or if he puts his big boy pants on and drives himself there. 

We get our food and I drive back to his place. Surprisingly he eats with me at his dining table and not in his bed. Once he's done, however, it's back to his bedroom. Pants off and back under his blankie which is pulled up once again to his chin. 

I think he forgets that I'm still in his house by this point and he just starts doing his own thing. He's playing on his phone, browsing YouTube,- he even gets up and gets himself a popsicle from the kitchen (he doesn't offer one to me) and returns to bed with it. He's just laying there in his bed, enjoying his frozen treat while watching a YouTube video on Super Mario or some Nintendo shit.

So I decide it's time for me to fuck off and I never hear from him again. I am absolutely okay with that.