MATCH MESSAGES
MORE RECENT GEMS
In the last couple of days a lot of messages have rolled in, many of which are just fascinating. I tried my best to filter out the boring ones- I don’t even like reading those, so I wouldn’t inflict that on you either. You’re welcome.
ONE: GANGSTA VAMPIRE
“Hi my lil ninja. I’m a fuckin gangsta vampire who races a CRX. You’re pretty fuckin cute. Text me. [Name].”
Alright, first off, let me explain why he called me ninja; in my profile, I provide my height and say that I’d make a really good ninja because I can hide just about anywhere.
In the last couple of days a lot of messages have rolled in, many of which are just fascinating. I tried my best to filter out the boring ones- I don’t even like reading those, so I wouldn’t inflict that on you either. You’re welcome.
ONE: GANGSTA VAMPIRE
“Hi my lil ninja. I’m a fuckin gangsta vampire who races a CRX. You’re pretty fuckin cute. Text me. [Name].”
Alright, first off, let me explain why he called me ninja; in my profile, I provide my height and say that I’d make a really good ninja because I can hide just about anywhere.
But I don’t know where “gangsta vampire” came from. I don’t mention any Twilight (are those gangsta vampires?) or True Blood, or anything that has to do with vampires in my profile, so I’m not sure why he chose to go down that path. Interesting. He also ends the message with a request to text him but does not provide a phone number. Brilliant. (Not that I would have texted him anyway, but I just wanted to point out the flaw in the message).
TWO: MARRIAGE?
“OMG! Marry me?
Since you don’t like mind games, let’s just cut to the chase. You and I have a lot of things in common, such as Cars, Games, Videos, Comics, and much more. To top that all off you are perfect size. Not sure I can agree with you on DC over Marvel but we can work on that….
If I had to spoil on person in this world, I would choose you. How sad I just made you sound like a Pokemon. Sorry.
Hope to hear from you. [Name]”
TWO: MARRIAGE?
“OMG! Marry me?
Since you don’t like mind games, let’s just cut to the chase. You and I have a lot of things in common, such as Cars, Games, Videos, Comics, and much more. To top that all off you are perfect size. Not sure I can agree with you on DC over Marvel but we can work on that….
If I had to spoil on person in this world, I would choose you. How sad I just made you sound like a Pokemon. Sorry.
Hope to hear from you. [Name]”
 |
| It's going to be a great first marriage. |
This is supposed to be humor, right? Please say it’s humor. I’m going with that. But I won't respond. Don't want to give him false hope or anything.
THREE: GUMBY GOLD
“Holla at ya boy. Yo boo get at me na I’m sayin. I don’t think you na what I’m sayin…I like little blonde girls, I got gumby gold and a shark tank.”
THREE: GUMBY GOLD
“Holla at ya boy. Yo boo get at me na I’m sayin. I don’t think you na what I’m sayin…I like little blonde girls, I got gumby gold and a shark tank.”
 |
| What the hell did I just read? |
Do I really have to comment on this one at all? I think it’s rather self-explanatory as to why I was not so inclined to respond to this nonsense, but here’s a little extra for you; his profile headline reads, “where did you get those clothes…at the toilet store?”
I refuse to click on this man’s profile because then he will see that I viewed it and that would just encourage him This is already his second message within a week period. I’d share his first message, but I’ve gone and deleted it already. My apologies.
By the way, for those of you, like myself, who don’t know what “gumby gold” is, according to Urban Dictionary, it is “Fake gold, often worn by unknown rappers or other minorities of low means.”
By the way, for those of you, like myself, who don’t know what “gumby gold” is, according to Urban Dictionary, it is “Fake gold, often worn by unknown rappers or other minorities of low means.”
Thought I’d save you the Google search. For those of you who already knew what it meant, what the hell?
FOUR: HELLISHLY AWKWARD
“Will Ferrell and I both drive a Dodge Status. It’s a fine machine: 4 banger that goes from 0-60 in about 14 minutes. Yeah she purrs! I think I can change the oil on her too if I have too.
Oh here’s the real reason you should never be picked up for the first few dates: because if the date goes south and there’s no chemisty, it makes the ride home hellishly awkward! Yikes.”
Hmmm, interesting. NGL, I’m bothered by the fact that he uses the word “too” correctly and then incorrectly.
FIVE: SHAKE BABIES
“Hello, you seem like a cool person. I like that you’re into video games and Comic Con.
[Insert description about his personality and what he likes, blah blah blah]
Plus, I don’t kick dogs or shake babies ;)
[Name]”
FOUR: HELLISHLY AWKWARD
“Will Ferrell and I both drive a Dodge Status. It’s a fine machine: 4 banger that goes from 0-60 in about 14 minutes. Yeah she purrs! I think I can change the oil on her too if I have too.
Oh here’s the real reason you should never be picked up for the first few dates: because if the date goes south and there’s no chemisty, it makes the ride home hellishly awkward! Yikes.”
Hmmm, interesting. NGL, I’m bothered by the fact that he uses the word “too” correctly and then incorrectly.
FIVE: SHAKE BABIES
“Hello, you seem like a cool person. I like that you’re into video games and Comic Con.
[Insert description about his personality and what he likes, blah blah blah]
Plus, I don’t kick dogs or shake babies ;)
[Name]”
 |
| I don't kick dogs or shake babies. I shake dogs and kick babies. |
Kick dogs or shake babies—interesting choice of words this man went with. I wonder if he always uses this approach as an attention getter and how successful it's been. It certainly got my attention. (not in a good way)
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